Letters to Monster Wednesdays

11025275-stack-of-old-letters-on-white-backgroundI’m still trying to make up for some time lost due to a 30-hour power outage and other unexpected wrinkles to my work schedule. Today has been a furious flurry (flurryious?) of activity. Still, I didn’t want to entirely miss one of my scheduled update days, and fortunately I had been able to write this on my Kindle before the battery died yesterday. I meant to post it this morning, but you know… flurryious times. But the afternoon beats never, so here we go… Letters to Monster:

If I had such a thing as an alter ego, it would be Monster. My current ego is just fine, so I tend not to need any alters–just the same I have fun being Monster whether its calling in a dinner reservation, signing a painting, or stalking a stretch of beach an hour before sunrise. Now Monster is handling some of my mail–to-whit, my Q&A mail. Word has apparently already gotten out, and perhaps Monster has started reading and answering mail without me. This is some of what Monster (me, I guess) has been up to in that regard:

 

Dear Monster,

My boss says to work harder, not smarter. That doesn’t sound right. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Kenessa Popcorn, Kennesaw, GA

Dear Kenessa,

The Japanese have a word for working oneself to death–karoushi. You should check with HR to see if your company has a life insurance policy out on you.

Yrs,

Monster

 

Dear Monster,

Our teacher wants us to make a diaphragm commemorating the Oregon Trail. What does the westward expansion have to do with birth control?

Sincerely,

Calvin Watterston, aged 9

Dear Calvin,

Everything.

Yrs,

Monster

 

Dear Monster,

My husband says I keep him up all night with my snoring and that he is considering sleeping in the garage from now on. Thank you for the suggestion. My snoring doesn’t bother me at all.

Much love,

Grenadine Psalter (Mrs.)

Dear Grenadine,

Happy to be of service.

Yrs,

Monster

 

Dear Monster,

Every morning when I wake up my feet are covered in mud. There are no footprints tracking in our out of my bed or bedroom. I live on the 8th floor of an apartment building in the middle of a concrete jungle. What gives?

Silas Silo, Chicago, IL

Dear Silas,

This is not an uncommon issue with people from the Midwest.

Yrs,

Monster

 

Dear Monster,

My boyfriend has taken to wearing blue nail polish. Should I be concerned?

(signed)

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

No reason to be worried. Your boyfriend just wants to be more like Monster.

Yrs,

Monster

 

And that’s all we have for the moment. If you want to write in and ask Monster a question… well, I wouldn’t recommend it. (If you’re insistent, then that’s what the comments section is for, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Until next time…

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