The Simpsons Meet Dr. House, M.D.
(a rather short play)
SCENE: Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital morgue. Four tables hold four shrouded figures. Situated around the room are DR. GREGORY HOUSE, DR. CHRIS TAUB, DR. CHI PARK, and DR. ERIC FOREMAN.
HOUSE: Pff. What do I think? What do you think? What do I think, you ask. It’s perfectly obvious. Taub?
TAUB: Well, their yellow skin condition suggests catastrophic liver failure–
HOUSE: No, you idiot. I asked Dr. Park to join us to address the yellow skin. She might have an insider’s perspective.
HOUSE: I’m sorry, was that racist? Dr. Korea…. I mean, Park… your turn. Yellow skin, sudden death and…
Dr. House peeks underneath one of the sheets.
HOUSE: Rapid post-mortem aging. I’d say approximately 25 years worth.
PARK: I don’t see what me being Korean has to do with–
HOUSE: I wasn’t being racist, Park.
House pulls an arm out from underneath one of the sheets. It’s large, flabby, and an unusual shade of yellow-orange.
HOUSE: What color would you say this is?
Park adjusts her eyeglasses and looks.
PARK: Looks like…Pantone 116.
TAUB: How could you possibly–
HOUSE: Because Dr. Park here was not always a doctor. She was in fact–drum roll please!
Eventually, Dr. Foreman drums his fingers against a table.
PARK: (embarrassed) … an animator.
HOUSE: Yes! She was once an animator, and according to her resume–
PARK: It’s not on my resume!
HOUSE: According to her secret DeviantArt account resume–very nice drawings of Pokemons having sex with cucumbers, by the way–she interned for a year at Rough Draft Studios. And…
TAUB: Wait… I know that name. They’re the South Korean company that animates a lot of American TV shows like… (trails off)
HOUSE: Yes, The Simpsons. It appears… (looks suspiciously at Foreman) that someone thought it would be a good idea to do a crossover. Probably a ratings grab.
Foreman looks a little embarrassed.
HOUSE: But what they didn’t count on was that unlike our show…
Taub looks confused and silently mouths “show?”
HOUSE: The Simpsons operates on a floating timeline–meaning their characters never age. We, however–(examines Taub’s face for wrinkles)–age like the Dickens. So… when the family arrived here for their crossover cameo, our timeline took sudden charge of them and they aged approximately 30 years or so in the space of, oh, 30 seconds. The strain was simply too much and therefore–
PARK: System-wide organ shutdown.
HOUSE: Give the little lady a cigar. Don’t worry… it’s just a cigar.
HOUSE: What? Was I being sexist?
Pulls a cigar out of his pocket and hands it to Park who takes it, reluctantly.
HOUSE: See? Just a cigar.
TAUB (frowning): What about the baby Simpson? Uh… Maggie?
HOUSE: Good question! Foreman?
Foreman looks a little ill now.
FOREMAN: The script writers felt she should stay behind this episode. Mind you, if we knew this was going to happen…
Taub, confused still, mouths the words “script writers?” and “episode?”
HOUSE: Well, I’m sure she’ll be fine. What could go wrong?
(More awkward silence)
HOUSE: Speaking of which… I have another Family Guy cameo coming up. Anyone want to tag along?
Fade to black
VOICEOVER: Next on FOX! The Maggie Simpson Show. Maggie is all grown up and on an worldwide concert tour with her band, The Pacifiers. And who’s her manager? None other than Abe “Colonel” Simpson himself! Featuring guest appearance by Charlyne Yi. That’s next… on Fox.
Shame on you!
And that’s this week’s story challenge entry. A silly little thing in commemoration of the end of the FXX Simpsons marathon. Tomorrow’s entry will be my last Simpsons-related piece for a while. Even I’m getting kind of sick of it now.
Sorry I didn’t post this yesterday–Labor Day and all.
And it’s back to work.